Thoughts. (Journal entry)

I'm laying in bed, exhausted, unable to sleep. I was in bed about to go to sleep but wanted to just browse Facebook for a minute .. I ran across a blog of my friends within the first 30 seconds. This particular post was announcing a blog she had started. This blog shared her terrifying journey of her and her husband going into labor at 18 weeks. How she got to say hello and goodbye to her son in one breath. As I write this I cry. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. My friend blogged about how time doesn't heal this, but time helps you learn to grieve. She still thinks about her son and what life would be like for him and their family. My heartbreaks for her. This got me to thinking about my best friend who rcently also lost her baby boy this past year. He was born around 22 weeks. She and her husband were devastated. Rachel my best friend always asks about jett and how he's doing, and she is so excited for me and him, and just loves him. I really feel like hugging her right now. I can't even imagine or begin to imagine that heart break. She is strong. 

After reading this blog and thinking about the devastation of my two friends, I lay in bed --with my son asleep in his ..I'm struggling with all I have to not get him out and just hold him (we have been having issues getting him to sleep without laying next to me) it just makes me truly grateful for him. I am always grateful and thanking The Lord for my healthy beautiful son, but thinking of all this just makes me want to hold him a little bit tighter. I am so thankful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with the ability to conceive. The happiest I have ever been is now. I love being a mother. Every little thing is incredible. Watching their first smile. Not a whole lot of things can compare to when a tiny baby (specifically your own) looks up at something dumb you just did and shows you the biggest gummiest smile. Oh and hearing a baby laugh for the first time is the most precious thing in the whole world. To a baby The world is a chocolate cake. It really is. I love seeing jett interact with grandma and grandpa. I love seeing his eyes wide with wonder when my little sister dances for /in front of him. It brings me so much joy to watch my siblings interact with my beebee. I think it's so cute when all the cousins get together and even though jett is so young he stares at them. (And occasionally hits in the face; he's working on controlling his hands) WH iCH is another oh so cute thing. Point is I LOVE being a mom. I have never smiled so much or been so proud of something in my whole life as I have been since November 3, 2013. 

Baby jett is waking up just as I finish this post. I can't wait to give him snuggles and kisses the whole night!

P.s. This post was a lot for me since I can't sleep and probably not super interesting but I wanted to remember my thoughts and feelings.

Hahaa ^ turtle turtle :)

Shopping.

Last night Eli and I went baby shopping, this is the third time we've gone together and I just think it's so fun. Time 1 we bought a stroller and carseat.
Time 2 just a cute little outfit (i actually dont count that trip because we were on our way home from grampas and I made him stop there so we were pretty quick. ...and
Time 3 Last night

First we stopped at Carters and then made our way to Babies R Us, the only reason we went to Babies is because they were having a way good clearance "buy one get one for free, $1 or $2" Also my sister in law bought some adorable Nikes the other day on sale and I was obsessed. So basically we went to shop clearance and get some way cute stuff and super good prices.

We're shopping and I'm looking at all the clearance and my husband keeps wandering off and I keep hearing "oh amber look at this" He brings to me brand new items that he's found. I say aww cute or yup, put it back. "Babe we came to look at the clearance" then he wanders off again and the same thing happens a couple more times. At one point I pointed out some Dino jammies that were $7.99 so it was a good price and he looked at them and fell in love "aww cute, can our son wear this home from the hospital?" as he just stares at it and then he looked at me with tears in his eyes it was soo cute! So he got the jammies, they're adorable. THEN he wanders off again while I'm on a new clearance rack and he brings me back a pair of really cute shoes and he starts telling me how cute they are (oh we're with my in sister and brother in law too--so he wasn't just gushing about everything he picked up to me, he was excited about EVERYTHING and showed EVERYONE no matter where they were in the store) SO FUNNY! So the shoes are cute, and he leaves and comes back with a pair of pants and the shoes and lines them up, exclaiming how cute they are. What he's picking out is really handsome stuff and I love it, but again we came for the bargains, we can get those anytime. Oh my. He leaves me one more time, and then calls my name to come over to him, I do and he's holding the pants the shoes and now a shirt. haha. This time though there are three shirts to choose from and he asks my opinion on them so as I'm griping about money I pick the cutest handsomest adorable--est? shirt there is, he picks it up and doesn't put it down. By now the store is almost closing I got to look at 3 racks clearance and there was a lot more --but I hadn't found anything yet. So we go over to the Nikes.

We found the Nikes we wanted (i tried to get Eli to put the stuff back but he was so in love, it was the cutest thing) Long story short. We ended up paying way too much for an outfit our son will HOPEFULLY get to wear a few times. On the way home Eli said to me something like "our son is worth it" so cute, he was like a kid in a candy store which really surprised me and it was a lot of fun.

I know this entry wasn't the most entertaining, but like all blogs it's kind of my journal and since being pregnant I really want to start this again for my own memories since I can't get myself to sit down and write in an actual journal.

                           I had to post the Nikes because I'm probably gonna take them back since I know myself      and right after we left I started thinking about how it's been a long time since I've paid that much for my own    shoes even though they were on sale, and he willl only wear em a couple times BUT OH SO CUTE. i                                                                needed them for memories:) Sigh*

HAPPY DAY (Super long since it's been a year)

SO... We decided on a name. Well we're almost positive that's his name and we're so excited about it! WHos' name??? OH that's right I forgot to tell you all ... I Amber Nicole Duckworth am with child. I'm actually 6 months or 26 weeks whatever you would say all of that confuses me because the weeks don't really coincide with how far along you are month wise anyway. I'm due October 29th and I'm in love! Well we both are. So I know it's been like almost exactly a year since I've blogged. Rather then catch you up on everything missed I'm just going to start now from where life is.

Okay maybe I'll go a little bit backward to start this story and then to the day I found out I was going to be a mommy. We officially decided and felt strongly it was time for us to put the plan into action and get pregnant at the end of March 2012 and I kid you not, I took multiple pregnancy tests from that time on. Sadly everytime it was a negative. I don't know why I kept setting myself and husband up for disappointment. Most of the time when I would take the test I wouldn't even wait until I was late or maybe I was but only by just a few days... I think they just became fun to me or something? I really don't know. Eventually though toward the end of the year I started to get worried --why wasn't it happening? We got confirmation from the Lord it was the time to start trying, then why were we getting no results? If this is right - then why didn't it just happen? Kind of frustrating and sad for me I'll be honest. All of this happened when we were in Herriman, Our lease ended January 31, and we found a nice basement apartment in West Valley where we moved to.

February 22, 2013 30 days from my last P. :) So I wasn't late it was a Saturday and not so warm, so we were in bed lazily. I looked over at Eli and said "Let's go get a pregnancy test" Eli's response was almost exactly along the lines of "Are you even late? You're not pregnant, you never are let's wait a few more days and you'll start" The signs of a seriously discouraged want to be dad and a DOUBTER" But don't worry I just really felt like I needed a test so I didn't let him get me down and I was persistant. So We got out of bed and went to the dollar store. They were out of tests (You may laugh at that but I read and heard they were pretty accurate) So on to the next place; Smiths. Smiths had two kinds of tests both over $15.00 ON TO THE NEXT. I called Family Dollar to see if they had tests, and they did for $4 but we didn't stop there Eli just wanted to go home. I really was persistant so we made ONE last stop before we were done. ELi pulled into WalMart and I waited in the car. He came out with a pack of two tests and threw them in my lap. I'm making him sound like an angry puppet in this story, he wasn't mad even just thought this was all for nothing and it was cold and we were driving everywhere for this.

So we got home (before we left I put somethings in the crockpot and ELi was making steaks for dinner) I went straight to the bathroom and took a test. I laid it on the edge of the tub and BAM! Negative:( I immediately felt dumb and of course sad I remember Eli's exact response "Of course" He's wanted to be a dad since we got married, so this was just really sad for him. Anyway I didn't do anything with the test and we went on with our day. Eli made DELISH stakes, the food was all ready and served and we started to eat. Eli sat down but then had to use the bathroom so he ran in there. I'm waiting when I hear "AMBERRR" what? I ran to the bathroom ((Even writing this takes me back and I'm so emotional)) "Am I reading this right?" He shows me the test and it's a + !! literally we're both in shock just looking at it then each other, and then we hug really tight. Turns out our negative sign before was actually the control line so you know the test isn't bum. Listen we're no experts here. So I take another one and we wait and pretty quickly that one is positive as well. BEST RESULTS EVERRR We were both in disbelief a little bit, I,m sure some of you know the feeling. We went to our bedroom and immediately knelt down and thanked Heavenly Father. Afterward we continued on with our meal, dinner was kind of silent neither of us really talked about it or anything really except for how yummy the food was>> In shock still<< Afterward we ran to Target and grabbed two more tests just to be safe. I took one that night, Yup! still :D and the next morning I took one more just to be sure .... Turns out I'm preggers. wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooo My "hunch" and persistance are what made this day literally one of the best in our lives to this point. We found out at weeks it was now a HE. Eli just knew it all along, I think it's because that's what he was hoping for- or maybe because I had a feeling I was the pregnant one he got the feelings this time-but come on now I'm the mom and I knew that we were having a girl, I was looking online at blessing dresses already and headbands, thinking of nursery colors just in aww thinking of my baby girl. We even had two girl names picked out we literally instantly loved two girls names no disagreements, We even came up with a middle name that we would use for our first beautiful daughter. This had to be a sign right? It was meant. BOY was I wrong, literally BOY. We were so impatient the day I hit weeks on Wednesday we paid $80 bucks to find out early. Yeah there was no mistaken we were having a boy. The Ultrasound was so awesome every movement or everytime she would point out his head or leg whatever it was, Eli while holding my hand would tap me or squeeze and repeat what the tech said "look his head" "that's his leg" Then gender reveal came and I looked over at my husband who had tears in his eyes. He was a proud dad. I'm sure his pride had to do with A> because he was right , and B> because he was so overwhelmed with love for our son . I'm gonna say both but mostly B. he loves baby boy. Talks to my tummy, reads me updates every week REally, it's the cutest thing. Anyway there went my plans for every girl thing I was going to spend money on in the next few days oh and months:)

I felt little popcorn feelings in my stomach since maybe 16 weeks and once really strongly while watching Tv during the day at maybe 18? I have it written down on a piece of paper somewhere haha much good that's going to do me. The kicks only got stronger and every time I would put Eli's hand on my stomach and the baby would stop, or he'd be kicking but Eli couldn't feel it. Usually though he would stop haha. Be ready for this though I put it in my iPad. July 8th about 1 AM our son was kicking so hard and I grabbed Eli's hand put it lightly on my tummy and THREE times in a row he was kicked. IT as amazing to share that with him. He loved it . Since then he's felt it one other time on July 20th just the other day--we got home from Camping and laid on the bed for about 5 minutes to catch our breath from the weekend his arm was over my tummy and my baby kicked twice. Eli kinda giggled and said "did he just kick? felt that. felt that too. It was awesome and unexpected. OH This is another story about the time this was happening Christy my sister n law was in the hospital getting ready have Lucas. But that's for another time and her story not mine but that was so exciting! He's a doll bY the way and so small.

Okay okay before I move on I need to put this down on record June 29 I dreamt I was laying next to my new born in the hospital he weight 7lbs 3 oz, and had lots of dark hair, I loved this time with my son, then Khloe Kardashian came into my room and interrupted everything because she needed help. So we'll see when the time comes if this dream had any validity at all when the time comes.

I'm about done with my stories but I just wanted it to go on record that we have a name! After going over thousands of them (thats not exaggerating) I've looked at the top 100 names for different years a ton of times then even the top 1000 a couple of times, and very few names stuck out to me I was getting frustrated about this. Oh and on the rare occasion I really liked something it got Vetoed . Same thing with my husband though his names got vetoed from my side as well. IN my defense he wanted to use names like Asterikn with a *, Elian and to support our Japanese Heritage RENJI and HIRO were brought up, so let's get real here. Funny thing is since before our ten week appointment back in March a name was brought up that we both really liked but was pushed aside due to us not agreeing on the spelling. Eli came up with the name but he wanted to spell it some crazy ways and I really liked the name but his spellings didn't make sense to me. For purposes of not sharing the name right now I'm going to say just this K's are not silent in the middle of names. Especially not this one . THe thing is though we had a middle name picked out that as soon as it was brought up we both readily agreed and loved it! We kinda of like 4 names all together but two ended up dropping out of the race because they really just didn't feel right. The third contender was no longer in the race because even though I brought it up I just decided I didn't want to use it. So now I'm more discouraged then ever because Great the only name out of thousands that we both liked there was only one left that we both really liked but the spelling couldn't be agreed on. The name got brought up a lot in the past 17 weeks and even though it was really liked by both of us --Im going to say my husband was just being silly with it and wanting to get all crazy with the spellings. SO Two nights ago we were talking about a few things and Eli expressed the love he had for this name,((he was having my niece say it camping a lot , he would whisper just the name in her ear and she would repeat it in her 2 year old voice and it was so cute)) and BAM we agreed on a spelling and Now it just feels good. We get to use a name we both liked since the beginiing as well as a middle name.

Don't quote me on this because I have 14 weeks left, so things could change but it just feels to good having a name for my son. Like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. The name is so handsome and now Im thinking of all these cute things for his nursery. *sigh of relief* No more talk about DOT or Asterik anymore:D

Anyway we're so excited and I don't have a journal so I wanted to write down all of this more mainly me---and whoever if ANY one still reads my novels.
...Pics are from the most exciting day and oh yeah our delish food...
Good Day

Girls Camp (7/16-7/20)

AWWWWW Girls camp-Girls camp how I love you and am So glad you are done. That was a stressful time in my life..Worth it in the end. As most of you know I was called as the camp director. Luckily it was a stake camp so I didn't have as much on my plate as I would have if it was ward, but still I had a lot!

We went up to Heber Valley Campground, the one President Hinckley organized. Our stake has been on the waiting list for 4 years to come up to this camp ground, The camp ground is run basically by elderly missionaries-who are all so cute and nice. Anyways I guess whoever is in charge of this camp sees all the stakes and then they pray about who should come up-this was our year. The campground is like the Taj Mahal of "camps". I always think how lucky I am that I come into this new ward and am called to the young womens essentially, and that is the year that they go up to this awesome place--I never would have probably known about it otherwise possibly ever.

Anyways Our camp theme was about "seek his light and shine" Our ward theme was "Be all that you can be" We had to make a banner, so one night before camp I went over to another girls house and we made this banner with spray paint and masking tape.

Alright, camp was so much fun and I loved it, I built a really strong relationship with a lot of the girls, and everyone called me Ducky! I love this. I mean my last name is Duckworth, and I know a lot of people are a little iffy about their last names, but this is not something I'm too fond of. After camp though every Sunday and Wednesday I'm reminded why my last name is so great. I get called DUCKY By the cutest funniest sweetest girls and I love it. I mean, I'm pretty proud of my husband and Love being married to him, but this is just something that makes me not as"shy" about it I guess.
Anyway so I guess I’ll start from my first day. So we had three cabins for our ward. We had our own site, it was pretty sweet . I was in one cabin with 9 other girls. There was one girl in particular, a Beehive. Her first time away from mom lik ever. Which is fine because you’re twelve.

I don’t know if you are all aware-you should be, I’m one big ball of anxiety. Don’t get it wrong, I’m a big ball of fun too- but man am I a scaredy cat. Anyway so we’re all in the cabin on our first night and we turn the lights off, I’m already having a hard time sleeping because I’m scared of bears or crazies in the woods . Yup poor me in the big old log cabin with deadbolts on both doors and I’m scared. The girls are sound asleep –and I was having trouble. I’m laying facing the window of my bunk for about 10 minutes when I turn over to get more comfy when BAM there is a figure of a person right next to my bed, my heart jumps..I fumble for my flashlight frantically turn it on (I’m not even being dramatic) It’s a girl-a Beehive standing above my bed crying-she misses her mom. (( Oh by the I was the only one of the leaders out of 4 of us that had service, so I was doing all the corresponding with the Bishopric and leaders who have not come up yet when it was necessary..Go Verizon! Woohoo! Anyway so the girls all knew I had the phone.)) So it’s close to midnight and she asks if she can call home just to hear her moms voice. I’m like uhhh ..I read somewhere in a manual you were suppose to talk them through their fears and homesickness. I’m tired and you just about gave me a heart attack- YES you can use my phone. So we go outside, I’m barefoot and it’s cold so I step inside the door and wait for her. Three minutes later she comes back in and hands me the phone, glad that’s over now we can go to bed and be rested for all of our activities tomorrow. “My moms coming to get me, with my grandpa” WHAT???? “Oh no I didn’t know that’s what you were using my phone for, it’s midnight, call her back and let her know not to come up”

Now for some obvious reasons her mom shouldn’t be coming to get her.
1> It’s midnight
2> The drive is far and the road is windy once she gets up here, it’s not safe.
3> Not only will I not be able to sleep all the lights would go on in the cabin so she can pack up
4> It’s a big deal the stake would be involved, even though it’s midnight there are strict guidelines she wouldn’t even be able to get in to Heber Valley
5> We have no idea where the stake is sleeping and would be wandering around .

Get it? I mean really>! So she calls her mom back and walks away from me. After a couple of minutes hands me the phone and says “she already left” OH MY I’m in panic mode- I run to the cabin where the President is sleeping “Bre…” I then go and whisper the situation she comes out, and has the girl call her mom then the President talks to her and explains most of the reasons above why it would be a really bad idea to come up tonight. The YW President then hands the phone to this little Beehive and says “okay tell your mom bye” Beehive grabs the phone and walks far away from us, we can still hear her though – she was making plans with her mom to come and get her at 7AM the following morning. So we talk this girl out of going for the night. Me and this girl go back to our cabin, when she turns to me and says in a stern voice “I told my mom you would text her the address of where tonight!” Okay the address is 2659 W Heber valley Drive..NOT HOW IT WORKS> haha I wasn’t rude to her, I was very supportive in talking her down, and making her feel welcome, all the girls were. Her mind was made up.

That night and the following day I got multiple text messages from a worried mother, and when I didn’t reply because my phone wasn’t really with me most of the time I would get repeat texts and even more worried texts. This was an ordeal, Needless to say the next day this little girl went home. I wish she would have stayed, we all do—but she would just cry throughout the day and then make the other girls feel bad and then we had to take time away from the other girls to help console her, it just wasn’t fun for anyone—her mind was made up and she left.

So between that, and me waking up one of the girls up in the middle of the night to “please shut her window because I’m really freaked out right now” ha! Cabin 2B was the best cabin ever! But hey really I kept hearing noises in the bushes that woke me up, it happened three times and I just couldn’t handle it anymore—my heart was racing, I just sang ‘A childs prayer’ over and over in my head , which did help, but she had to shut her window for the sake of me. LISTEN I’m not a horrible leader and actually the girls really like me, it was just a rocky start. The following night another leader came into my cabin and I slept like a baby. Ya know as well as a baby can sleep with their hip bones digging into a wood board. Anyways nothing else real exciting happened, I mean HILARIOUS stuff happened and it was such a good time but my post is already really long. There are a couple more things I want to blog about for camp- maybe I’ll continue that next time. Finally after two hours of reading you all know how my…first day at camp went.

Wahoo!

I lost my iPod

Or so I thought.. About two Wednesdays ago.For Young women we went to the Temple and learned about Virtue, passed one of our personal project things off. I had my iPod with me and was using it for my scriptures. The next day I went to use my iPod and it was gone. Not in my purse not at work. After work I searched frantically with no luck:( My love was gone. Now I know we aren't suppose to put that much importance into wordly things but this was my second iPod touch. My second generation I lost as well. It's like I can't have anything nice. but this...this is my new present from Eli 5th generation white he got it for me when it first came out > Now this isn't to be all "braggy" just giving you a bit of a back story to help you understand the importance.

Okay so my iPod is lost and it's the end of nice presents as I know it. I searched Thursday to the following Wednesday for my iPod. I had prayed and prayed and looked and looked, called the Temple lost and found - I even woke up in the middle of the night with a bright idea on where it may be hiding once or twice. I was actually on my way to YW on Wendesday the 8th (exactly one week from when i lost my precious)I was preparing a speech in my head actually, just a speech about how I lost something oh so special and if any of the girls had found an iPod and just weren't sure who's it was or what to do with it to let me know because it may be mine. Cheesy and lame and I was nervous about it because I have built an amazing relationship with a lot of the girls and didn't want them to think I was accusing anyone of being a thief.

I was driving to YW nervous and needed to calm my nerves. I wanted to listen to a certain song, lucky I do have some music on my phone - not a lot and not as good quality but some. I Whip out my phone while on the road and yank on the cord that I need to plug in my phone. The cord was on the side of my seat right next to the middle console. I start to pull it out and it's kinda hard-Okay why is this so hard?? I finally get it up (really it was hard) MY iPOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOO HOOOO My poor pod has been sitting lonely for one week stuck under the seat on the cord. So Of course I start crying and then remembering all the times throughout the week that I had felt like connecting my phone to this cord-not for the music, but to have my phone on speaker while I was talking to my RC WIlley, my mom and Eli. Everytime I thought to connect my phone I pushed that out of my mind and just kept the phone on my ear.

It's just funny. If I would have listened to that thought I had the first or second time- I wouldn't have been stressing for a week. We were driving one time somewhere and a song came on the radio that I had just downloaded on my iPod before it disappeared..I was literally in tears>>pathetic I know. I was stressed and sad to the max but Now I'm happy to the max.

Just had to share. Camp stories still to come:)

8/06/12

I think it's about time for a Blog post. Not only am I behind..I'm real behind. Since my last blog--we adopted a baby-got an ant farm- Dallin got a tat-moved to Ohio to join the 'Glee' team because as you know Eli and I were in Show choir before it was cool to be in show choir.

Now None of the above is true..except for the part about Show Choir-not the Glee part :)

But really since last time I blogged--Eli got a mohawk, I went to girls camp, Eli went to scout camp. Eli's car broke, my car broke, my parents car broke WHILE I was driving it. I ate some watermelon. See basically the same stuff as above.

So I feel like this post is going to be overwhelmingly long just to get caught up-so this is my introduction page and then as the days go by or hours I'll add more and more about the last few weeks. For now I'm going to post just a couple pics that don't have a lot to do with what I'll be posting about in the near future--ones I like and for your enjoyment.

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Management

Yesterday we got home from work and there was a letter on our door, not just our door--everyones. The letter stated today the apartment managers would be entering into our house on 6/27/2012 checking on the status basically. They wanted us to write down anything that needed to be fixed. The letter told us it was mandatory and they were getting ready for corporate visits next month. Basically the letter said clean your house and patio we're gonna come check it. It feels we were just bombarded uhhhhhghhh:/

I know I said last week I cleaned that one room and folded laundry all day, and I did. What I didn't say was all of the new laundry I did nothing with because by the time I got done hanging up "old" stuff I was wiped out and Eli was home, so this had to be done.Luckily for us though I made my family dinner on Sunday, so in preparation for that we did some cleaning..vaccum, sweep and just basic straightening, if we hadn't done that this would have been a nightmare especially.

We were invited to our friends BBQ yesterday so it's not like we had all night to clean, we went but we did have to leave early unfortunately. Afterward we went home and cleaned, and cleaned. Eli did the bathroom without me asking or even hinting at it..amazing I know? The toilet was spotless, you could eat off of that thing, and we did just to test it out...I went and got my ice cream cake and put it on the toilet seat and just ate it. SIKE!!!! haha you were all grossed out!! That last part definitely didn't happen. Anyway the house didn't turn out emmaculate and our bedroom and second bedroom weren't incredible, it still looked like people lived there but we weren't embarrassed for random people to come over.

On a piece of paper we now had to write anything that needed to be worked on. one set of our blinds were not working. ELi got the paper on the counter and started writing at the top I labeled it 'Things that need to be fixed' and he wrote the rest...yes I know

Cool right?! I was laughing so hard when I read that. Some of you may know who we're talking about-- :) SO dramatic!

So this morning I brought my pup pup to mommas so he wouldn't have a barking fit when some strangers came into our house and just stayed for however long they stay. I was also worried if they got too annoyed they might be rude to him and I couldn't have that happen to my lil babay. Dallin thanks for taking care of him btw.

OH one more thing Shout out to my lil Boookey Brea --she started a dog sitting business, she has a business card and everything so it's legit. I'm so proud of my little entrepreneur.