Sunday, February 2, 2014

Thoughts. (Journal entry)

I'm laying in bed, exhausted, unable to sleep. I was in bed about to go to sleep but wanted to just browse Facebook for a minute .. I ran across a blog of my friends within the first 30 seconds. This particular post was announcing a blog she had started. This blog shared her terrifying journey of her and her husband going into labor at 18 weeks. How she got to say hello and goodbye to her son in one breath. As I write this I cry. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. My friend blogged about how time doesn't heal this, but time helps you learn to grieve. She still thinks about her son and what life would be like for him and their family. My heartbreaks for her. This got me to thinking about my best friend who rcently also lost her baby boy this past year. He was born around 22 weeks. She and her husband were devastated. Rachel my best friend always asks about jett and how he's doing, and she is so excited for me and him, and just loves him. I really feel like hugging her right now. I can't even imagine or begin to imagine that heart break. She is strong. 

After reading this blog and thinking about the devastation of my two friends, I lay in bed --with my son asleep in his ..I'm struggling with all I have to not get him out and just hold him (we have been having issues getting him to sleep without laying next to me) it just makes me truly grateful for him. I am always grateful and thanking The Lord for my healthy beautiful son, but thinking of all this just makes me want to hold him a little bit tighter. I am so thankful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with the ability to conceive. The happiest I have ever been is now. I love being a mother. Every little thing is incredible. Watching their first smile. Not a whole lot of things can compare to when a tiny baby (specifically your own) looks up at something dumb you just did and shows you the biggest gummiest smile. Oh and hearing a baby laugh for the first time is the most precious thing in the whole world. To a baby The world is a chocolate cake. It really is. I love seeing jett interact with grandma and grandpa. I love seeing his eyes wide with wonder when my little sister dances for /in front of him. It brings me so much joy to watch my siblings interact with my beebee. I think it's so cute when all the cousins get together and even though jett is so young he stares at them. (And occasionally hits in the face; he's working on controlling his hands) WH iCH is another oh so cute thing. Point is I LOVE being a mom. I have never smiled so much or been so proud of something in my whole life as I have been since November 3, 2013. 

Baby jett is waking up just as I finish this post. I can't wait to give him snuggles and kisses the whole night!

P.s. This post was a lot for me since I can't sleep and probably not super interesting but I wanted to remember my thoughts and feelings.

Hahaa ^ turtle turtle :)

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. It's so hard. Is this what it means to "mourn with those who mourn"? I feel it deeply, and apparently it doesn't ever go away, no matter how old they get. I read a blog about a 3 year old (the age Chloe is now) who had a dresser fall on her in the middle of the night, and her parents had to wake up to find her dead in her room. I cried every night for three nights, terrified it was going to happen. So hard. Just hug Jett extra hard and give him lots of kisses.